It’s not you, it’s me. I’m no good for you. They say size doesn’t matter, but I’m just too big. You need someone smaller.

I know, I know, we’ve been together since that sale in ’04, but it’s time you moved on, looked for someone new. You have a lot to offer: spacious cabinets, a working dishwasher. You’ll be okay, Kiddo. You’ll be better than okay.

I have a 12” diameter, for crying out loud! The box said “dinner plate” but I’ve always felt more like a serving platter. A 10 incher would be good for you. 34.5 fewer square inches—that’s the volume of four slices of bread. Truth be told, I could see you happy with a slim 8” model.

Salad, shmalad, if you put dinner on it, it’s a dinner plate, right? An 8” plate would hold less than half the volume that I do. Less than half!

You won’t miss me. You won’t notice the difference after a few days, but your body will.

Is there someone else? Not yet, no, but there’s the dream of someone else—like a sumo wrestler or a teenage boy.

Make a plate of pure gold and engrave on it as on a seal: holy to the Lord. Exodus 28:36 (NIV)