Laugh your way to better health!
Tag Archives: humor
Be A Better Loser
I’m a pretty good loser, but with help, I’m a great loser. Help can be an app, a website, a book, an accountability partner, a support group, or a lock on the fridge. For me, it was Loseit.com.
When I first started losing weight, I didn’t want help. Don’t give me a list of rules. Don’t tell me any foods are off limits. Call it stubbornness, call it arrogance, call it refusal to let go of a baking addiction…the point is, I wanted to do it on my own terms. Also, on my bad days, I did NOT want to have to tell someone how bad I was. My shame is my own, thank you very much! But after four months of losing weight and two months of plateau-ing, (P.L.A.T.E.A.U. stands for Please Let my Attempts Take Effect…ARGH!! U’ve got to be kidding me! Really body? All this effort and the scale doesn’t budge?) I was ready for help.
Loseit.com is a free, easy, online calorie diary of sorts. You know it’s quick and easy if a stay at home mom with four computer-crazy little kids can use it. When I sit down at the computer, I have about 70 seconds before the boys swarm all over me, asking for a turn. One of them will actually climb up the back of my chair and onto my shoulders.
Anyways, you create an account, telling them how much you weigh now, your weight goal, and if you want to lose 1, 1.5, or 2 pounds a week. I love the realism here; notice that you may not choose to lose 20 pounds per week. They calculate how many calories you should eat each day to reach your goal. You type in a food and it tells you how many calories that food has and adds it all up for you. So easy! No math skills needed!
You can also create custom foods (such as a favorite homemade soup recipe or how you take your coffee) and name them. Whole meals can be repeated with one click; useful if you eat the same thing for breakfast five days a week (like coffee, juice, and oatmeal), and previous meals are automatically saved and available to add; useful if you have leftovers for lunch the next day or you cook similar dinners every week.
You can also enter any exercise you do which ADDS calories to your daily allotment. They even include housework and gardening. If there’s chocolate in the house, my home gets a good cleaning!
Loseit even has a community feature where your friends and family can join as friends and see one another’s progress and leave comments. It’s a great way to stay encouraged and be held accountable….as much as you want to be!
By the way, I am not being paid to talk about Loseit. I wish I were. If anyone would like to pay me, I would enjoy that.
So, how does this help?
Imagine that you’ve lost fifteen pounds and need a new outfit to go out with your girlfriends. You have $80 to spend on clothes and your favorite brand of jeans is on sale for $40. At the store you find a fabulous shirt that you love, but it costs $60. If you buy the shirt, you can’t buy the jeans. So, you have to choose: marvelous shirt and mediocre jeans OR spectacular jeans and second rate shirt. No, put those credit cards back in your pocket! In this metaphor, debt turns into love handles!
That’s what Loseit does for me; it helps me budget. I want to eat marvelous everything, all day, all the time. But that’s how I gained my weight in the first place. So, a budget example: After entering my breakfast, lunch, dinner, and exercise, I have a whopping 150 calories left for snack time. I want to have a brownie and a cappuccino, but I can’t do that and stay within my calorie budget, so I have to choose: a brownie and tea OR carrots and cappuccino.
Not so bad, is it?
Loseit has shown me where my calorie bombs were hiding; those foods that seemed innocent, but in reality have a lot higher count than I imagined. Muffins, for example, and spaghetti. The first time I entered my breakfast of muffins into Loseit, I cringed: the muffins used up almost half of my allotment that day! Score one for the learning curve. And over time I’ve learned which foods I can fill my plate with and still have room for treats. (Vegetables! Not surprised? What, have you been reading my blog or something?)
Loseit is not the only website out there, but it’s the one I know. The point is, at some point most of us will need some help, be it encouragement, accountability, or a dose of reality. So, when you’re ready, don’t be afraid to get help!
“Note this: Wicked men trust themselves alone…and fail; but the righteous man trusts in me, and lives!” Habakkuk 2:4
Label Poem
Read your labels every day
Read them first, before you pay.
Park your cart and block the aisle
Scan ingredients for awhile.
Read what’s in it, it will say.
Can’t pronounce them? Stay away.
Read your labels, every food
They can’t lie or they’ll be sued.
Not the front, or you’ll be wooed;
Read the back, the fine print, Dude!
Extra salt can take its toll;
So can Hydroxyanisole.
Cook from scratch as best you’re able,
Then you know what’s on your table.
Start with foods that look like plants
And block out all the “gee, I can’t”s.
Check your labels, every time.
Be sure that food is worth your dime.
Late Night Cartoon
For the past couple of weeks, I have been struggling to follow my own advice on getting enough sleep. Therefore, this week I will be sharing my sleepy observations in the form of cartoons and going to bed early. The blog in its written form will be back next week. Enjoy! 
How To Force Your Spouse To Lose Weight
You can’t.
End of post.
Why are you still reading?
Unless HE chooses to lose, it’s not going to happen. You can lead a spouse to water….
So, if you can’t sit on his chest and force feed him carrots, what can you do?
There are a few things you can do to help him get healthy, just remember to treat your spouse like a grown up and not a child who can be tricked into eating asparagus because you call them “magic wands”.
1. Read this blog to him. (Not necessarily today’s entry unless he’s familiar with me; start at the beginning with Sex, then move on to Soup and Two Fisted Eating. Starting any conversation with the word “sex” makes your husband already like where the conversation is headed.)
2. Get him to bed on time. It’s very simple and similar to the method we discussed for getting yourself to bed on time. An hour before he should be asleep, step between him and the TV and strip. Then smile and walk upstairs. He will follow. If you have “wobbly bits” (best Bridget Jones’ Diary quote ever) that haven’t seen the light of day since birth (yours or your childrens’), it’s okay to remove one or two selective articles of clothing to give him the general idea. For some men, this can be as little as a sock.
3. Stop buying donuts. And any other junk food he can’t resist. If he asks you to buy a certain item, buy it, but buy the smaller package. Men thrive when they are respected; treat him like the grown man that he is.
If your man is overweight, there’s nothing wrong with having an “I’m concerned for your health and I want you to join me on this weight loss journey” conversation; in fact, you probably should have one of those. But if he’s not ready, don’t push it. No one wants to live with their personal trainer.
4. Exercise together. Ask him to take a walk with you. If your spouse doesn’t exercise often, keep it simple, sweat-free and short. Ten minutes, maybe twenty. After dinner walks are also a great way to release some gas without him noticing. Or perhaps it’s without you noticing his. Either way, it’s great.
If he’s competitive, ask him to hold your feet while you do sit ups while watching TV. If you brag a little, he’ll probably try to beat your record.
5. Add more vegetables to his meals. He won’t fall for the “magic wand” gimmick, but neither will he notice if an extra veggie is added to his casserole. Speaking of casseroles, try making it in two small pans and freezing one for later. It’s hard to go back for seconds if there are no seconds.
6. Offer water. Don’t take offense if he doesn’t drink it; he’s not rejecting you.
7. The Number One best thing you can do (which is, of course, why it’s listed as #7) is to be a good example. When I began to serve myself smaller portions at dinner, I also began to serve my husband smaller portions. It was easier to dish up two identical plates and if he wanted seconds, he went and got them. He discovered that he liked the smaller portions, re-started his habit of working out in the mornings, and dropped twenty pounds in three months…less than half the time it took me to lose twenty pounds. SIGH.
But the point is that my example helped get him started, and now his example helps keep me on track. If I’m on my way to the kitchen at 9:30pm for a cookie and pass by my husband eating an apple, I think twice about that cookie. If he’s playing badminton with the kids, I’m likely to join in. If he offers me a drink of his water, I find that I’m thirsty.
Do what you know you should do, and let him follow at his own pace.
“In everything set them an example by doing what is good.” Titus 2:7a
One Thing I Can Do
I watched a great documentary a few months ago called Hungry For Change. It explains why almost everything in the grocery store from wheat to sugar to aspartame to processed food-like substance is bad for your body. By the time I finished watching it, I looked like this:
And I did this:
Three quarters of the way through the film I was on the computer with four tabs open. Tab 1 was researching how many cows I could raise on 1/3 of an acre, Tab 2 was looking up prices for organic cane sugar, and Tab 3 was googling “signs of heart attack due to prices for organic cane sugar”. I was absolutely overwhelmed and freaking out a bit.
The last guy they interviewed (well, if it wasn’t the last guy, then it was the last guy I paid attention to) pulled it all together and saved the day. Paraphrased, he said, “It’s too overwhelming to change everything you eat all at once. What should you do with all of this new information? Choose one thing, just one thing that you can change today, and do it.”
Oh. One thing? I can do one thing! I bake a lot, so I started by finding organic whole wheat flour on amazon and shipped myself a 25 pound bag. I gave up on finding organic white sugar; if white sugar is so awful for me, why should I pay $6 per pound for it? I’ll find a way to use less of it and I’ll buy it cheap, thank you. I bought, cooked, and ate more vegetables. Organic? No, not yet. One step at a time.
I make a lot of jokes about organic food, so I should say this: generally, I think it’s a great idea and I’m slowly getting on the bandwagon. I’m still sorting out which foods are worth the extra money to get them organic and which foods aren’t.
What’s one thing you can do today to help yourself reach your goal? 
What’s the one thing you can change in your diet, your routine, or your mobility this week to help you be healthier? Marry an organic farmer? Choose an earlier bedtime? Stop buying donuts? Stop driving to the mailbox? Place a bottle of water by your side all day so you drink good old H2O? Take an after dinner walk? “Close” the kitchen when you put the kids in bed?
By the way, how many cows can you raise on 1/3 of an acre? 0.033.
If they invent a T-bone steak with legs, I’m in business!
“The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.”
Psalms 37:23-24
Dessert Snobs
The one thing that has made the biggest difference in both my body and my lifestyle is savoring my food. Paying attention while I eat leaves me satisfied after every meal, even with smaller portions on my plate.
Imagine a moist dark-as-night piece of chocolate cake is placed in front of you. Most people take one bite, emit some sort of grunt of delight, and then shovel the rest of the cake down their gullet in less time than it takes for a toddler to discover how to unroll toilet paper. When they finish the last two bites, slowing down at last because they see the end is nigh, they sigh and wish for more because “that was so good!” This is how I used to eat cake. And lasagna, and fries, and ice cream, and cereal, and steak and everything.
Next time you have cake, try this instead: savor every bite. That’s right, EVERY bite. Take a bite, emit grunt, take a bite, make mm-mm-mmm! sound, take a bite, paint the inside of your mouth chocolate with your tongue, and so on. Pay attention to the texture, the flavor, the contrast of cake and icing. I guarantee that by the time you’ve finished your piece of cake, you will not want a second piece. Why? You’re bored! Seriously. Five or ten minutes of thinking only about cake is way more time than you need to cover all the bases.
The definition of savor is to “taste (good food or drink) and enjoy it completely.” Food as entertainment; what an interesting thought!
When I savor my food, I find myself feeling grateful for my abundance and for my taste buds. If you look at the anatomy of the human mouth, we were created to enjoy eating. Carnivore teeth can bite and swallow, but not chew. Herbivore teeth can chew, but really, how many taste buds would you want if you were chewing lunch for the fourth time? Don’t get me started on jellyfish; their mouth is also their anus, so you know they thank God that they don’t have taste buds. (And I thank God that I’m not a jellyfish!) The point is, God created food to have flavor and our mouths to detect those flavors. Just as I realize how blessed I am with my family when I pause and think about it, I am more thankful for my food when I pause and think about it. (If I’m inaccurate with the biology lesson, forgive me; I’m still convinced that humans have the best deal meal-wise.)
Paying attention while you eat is harder than it sounds. I never used to sit down to eat without something to do: talk with someone, read something, watch TV. It still feels weird to sit at an empty table and focus on my food, but I enjoy what I eat so much more now.
About a year ago my mom said something that sounded crazy to me at first. She said, “I’m not going to eat Hershey’s chocolate anymore.” But Mom, that reduces your chocolate options by, like, 90%! What kind of insanity is this?!
She loves Harry and David’s dark chocolate truffles and she has good reason to: they’re awesome. They’re so awesome, in fact, that Mom decided not to waste her time, money, or calories on sub-par chocolate. She became a chocolate snob. And she should be applauded!
We need to learn not only to enjoy our food while we eat it so that we don’t wish for more when it’s gone, but we also need to learn to stop eating foods that are not worthy of our time, money, and calories. At church potlucks and family dinners, I used to finish anything I put on my plate, whether it was fabulous, fairly good, or future compost. Now I try many things, but only finish what tastes fabulous, especially when it comes to desserts. If I’m only supposed to consume X number of calories per day, I’m not going to waste them on mediocre food. Does that make me a snob? Yes it does. But I’d rather be a food snob than eat like a garbage disposal as I used to.
There’s one exception to savoring your food, of course: vegetables! Feel free to shovel your veggies in like you’re stoking the engine of an express train. Don’t get me wrong, vegetables can be fabulous (if yours aren’t, try adding garlic) and they should be savored. But if you don’t particularly like veggies and you’re only eating them because they’re good for you, then don’t savor them.
You know how sometimes you just want to plant yourself in front of the TV and stuff your face? You’re not hungry, particularly, but you want that repetitive plate-to-face action happening? Choose a veggie. It’s mindless eating, so do it with a food that won’t hamper your goal when consumed in large quantities.
“So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun.” Ecclesiastes 8:15
Fun Exercise and my friend, Ox E. Moron
Children are the best exercise motivators in existence because they trick you. If you don’t believe me, go for a simple walk with a few small children. They enthusiastically skip and talk and explore the first quarter mile and you think, “Yes, this is nice! My body feels good!” They wait until you’re at the furthest geographical point from the house to fall apart and then you get a surprisingly good workout carrying, dragging, or threatening them all home.
A friend of mine from church – let’s call her Lean Jean – is the most creative gym teacher I’ve ever met, so I asked her for some exercise ideas. She suggests riding bikes around the neighborhood or jogging together. I’m not a jogger, but jogging with my kids might work; I mean, how fast can they go, right? I hope I have enough pride to pump my legs faster when my three year old passes me! In our family we make the kids earn their ice cream or popsicles by riding bikes around the one mile loop of our neighborhood. (Bribery you say? Yes, yes it is.)
Her next suggestion is Mailbox Races. Start at your mailbox and race to the neighbor’s mailbox, then back to yours. Let the kids choose a different movement each time: hopping, skipping, ski jumps, walking backwards, sashaying sideways, galloping. “The kids love to pick silly movements. Keep it fun.” She makes the point that you’re in front of your house the whole time, so if one kid needs a break or a bathroom, they can take a rest on the lawn. And when Mommy lies gasping on the grass, the kids can fetch her water from the house.
I was put to the test yesterday evening. My children drew a big wobbly race track on our driveway and wanted to run races. SIGH. The very thought of running made my legs and arms turn to lead. But this week’s blog was echoing in my head and I thought, “Am I going to talk the talk only or am I going to Nike it up and Just Do It?” The races were fun once I started! I felt a little silly, but what are the neighbors going to do, move away? Not in this market!
Some other great ideas she had are to make an obstacle course or to crank up the music and dance. Ever dance like a toddler? It’s all jumping and wiggles and kicks and some pretty cool hand motions. Lots of fun, but suddenly all of the songs feel so loooooooong! Let the kids lead the dancing and copy their moves; you’re guaranteed not to be stuck doing the awkward head bop I pull out at every wedding.
No “good” time for crunches or weights? Do 15 pushups leaning on your vanity before your shower, says Lean Jean, and do lunges when you’re on the phone. “Just remember that if it’s not fun, you won’t want to keep doing it. Change it up, interject it in small doses throughout your day.”
If you don’t have children readily available or you don’t feel comfortable borrowing some, I recommend you try a KISS walk, Keep It Simple Stupid. Throw on some sneakers and go. No special outfit, no gear, no reason to wait. Ten minutes here, twenty minutes there; it all adds up. How does it add up? Let us count the ways!
Walking briskly for 10 minutes: 45 calories
Dancing for 10 minutes: 90 calories
Jogging (12 minute mile) for 10 minutes: 100 calories
Push ups for 10 minutes: 40 calories
Bike riding for 10 minutes: 95
House cleaning for 10 minutes: 30 calories
Carrying, dragging, or threatening children for 10 minutes: 50 calories
“The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,
though they cannot compare
with the wings and feathers of the stork.” Job 39:13
We may not look graceful or athletic when we exercise, but we can move our bodies with joy!
Two Fisted Eating
Grab a brownie with one hand and a slab of pecan pie with the other…now stuff them in your mouth! That’s what you pictured in your head, right? We’re going to keep the joy of eating that you’re imagining, but lose the mess.
Your stomach is the size of your fist…or maybe two fists; depends on who you ask. Yes, it’s that small, and yes, it can stretch out a LOT! (Do you know how much food I’ve managed to squeeze in there? I always thought my stomach was the size of a football!)
Your stomach can expand to hold 1.5 quarts (okay, so I wasn’t too far off with the football idea). One quart = four cups and my fist is about the size of one cup, so I can cram 6 fists into my football, er, stomach. (Still with me, math majors?)
So what do I do with this information? Cut a football in half and use it as a plate? (We can call it the “Foodball”! What do you think, marketing people? Weight loss gimmick for men? Only $19.99 if you call now!)
So, Two Fisted Eating. At each meal, your goal is to put 4 “fists” on your plate. TWO fist sized portions of “real food” (as I like to call it) and TWO fists worth of vegetables (remember Veggie Rule #1?).
Let me give you an example; this is the Turkey Curry recipe.
The plate on the left is what my plate looked like a year ago. Notice that the green section looks more like a decoration – an afterthought – than a part of the meal. The picture on the right is what I ate for dinner this week. TWO fists of “real” food (rice and Turkey Curry) and TWO fists of veggies.
Now, THIS IS IMPORTANT: RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Ready? When your plate is empty, you stop eating. It’s that simple and it’s that hard. Drink some water, drink some tea, start the dishes, lick the plate and cry… whatever works for you, just don’t get seconds (unless it’s vegetable soup, then you can go back for thirds for all I care).
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Philippians 4:12, NIV)
The math majors have all noticed by now that I said our stomachs can fit 6 fists and we only put 4 on our plate. We have room for two more! Yes, yes we do. But just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. (For example, I can post a daily photo of my poodle….)
We’re re-training our brains, not our stomachs. For years, my brain equated “full” with my stomach being stretched to capacity: 1.5 quarts or 6 fists. That turned out well for me, didn’t it? So, now I’m training my brain to say “full” when my stomach has 1 quart or 4 fists in it. It takes a while for this to happen (like months), but it will happen. (By the way, a better goal is to stop eating when you feel “not empty” rather than waiting for “full”; still working on that goal.)
Years ago I had my neighbor over for dinner and she said she felt “stuffed” after her second piece of pizza. Stuffed? I was doing my best to limit myself to three slices! I could fit four or five before I felt “stuffed”. Now I feel “good” full after two slices of pizza and bad “stuffed” if I take a third. (I normally stop at two.) Her brain and my brain were trained to say “full” at different stomach capacities. (And yes, she’s a petite blond bombshell.)
When you look at the food on your plate, especially if it’s less than the amount you’re used to eating, what problem comes to mind? I’m going to be hungry in two hours! (News flash! I feel hungry two hours later no matter how much or how little I eat!) Don’t fear the hunger; you know it’s coming, so be ready. Eat TWO fists of fruits or veggies as a snack.
By the way, I push vegetables rather than fruit simply because fruit has more sugar and therefore more calories. Fruit is good. Very very good. Eat fruit when you crave something sweet, but vegetables are our new best friend. Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? My definition is this: if you wouldn’t bake it into a pie, it’s a veggie.
So, a meal is TWO fists of regular food and TWO fists of veggies. A snack is ONE or TWO fists of produce. Slow down as you eat and enjoy what’s on your plate. (More on that later.)
Okay, math majors! When does TWO plus TWO not equal four?
When they add up to negative numbers on the scale!
Sex, Soup, and 2 Fisted Eating 
